Encourage Mutual Understanding

Once you’ve shown you’re neutral and not taking sides, your next big job is to help people really understand each other. Most arguments keep going because people are just waiting for their turn to talk, not actually listening. They’re busy defending themselves instead of trying to see where the other person is coming from. This can make things worse and leave everyone feeling stuck. But if you help both sides feel heard and understood, you can turn a tense conversation into a chance to solve the problem together.

The best way to do this? Ask simple, fair questions that let everyone share their side. Try questions that need more than a yes or no answer, like, “What was going on for you when this happened?” or “How did that make you feel?” Make sure you ask both people similar questions so everyone gets a fair chance to talk. This helps people see where they agree and where they see things differently. Keep your voice friendly and curious—show you want to understand, not judge.

You can also help people connect by asking, “How do you feel hearing that?” or “Does that change how you see things?” These questions help each person see things from the other’s point of view, which is a big step toward solving the problem. Think of helping people understand each other like building a bridge. When you ask fair, curious questions, you create a path for both sides to meet in the middle. The visual below shows how your questions can help connect people, even when there’s a gap between them.

How you act matters just as much as what you say. If you show you’re curious and care about how people feel, they’re more likely to open up. People often copy the energy in the room—if you’re calm and open, they’ll start to relax too.

A simple way to remember how to do this is the CALM approach:

• Curious: Show real interest in what each person is saying. Ask open questions and listen to understand, not to judge. For example, if someone says something surprising, don’t jump in to correct them. Instead, try, “That’s different from what I expected. Can you help me understand?” This keeps the conversation going instead of shutting it down.
• Acknowledge: Let people know you hear them. You can say, “I can see this has been tough for you,” or “That sounds frustrating.” You don’t have to agree with everything—they just need to know you’re listening and you care.
• Level: Keep your body language and voice calm and open. Show you’re interested by leaning in, making eye contact, and saying things like, “That’s interesting, tell me more,” or “I hadn’t thought of it that way.” Try to keep your posture open and relaxed. Don’t cross your arms or look annoyed. If things get tense, slow down your breathing and speak a little softer. This helps everyone calm down.
• Mirror: People often copy your energy. If you stay relaxed and open, others will start to do the same.

If someone gets defensive and says, “You don’t understand—they always do this!” don’t argue. Instead, stay CALM and ask, “Can you tell me about other times this happened?” This helps them move from blaming to talking about real examples you can work with.

By using the CALM approach, you help everyone feel safe to share, which makes it much easier to solve the problem together.

Sometimes, people think they’re being clear, but the other person hears something totally different. That’s why it helps to summarize what you’ve heard, in your own words, to make sure you got it right. This also shows both sides that you’re really listening.

Don't just repeat what they said though. Try to say it in a way that’s calm and clear. For example, if someone says, “They ruined the project on purpose,” you might say, “You’re worried their actions hurt the project and your reputation.” This keeps the focus on the problem, not on blaming.

After someone shares a lot, pause and say, “Let me make sure I understand what you’re saying…” This gives them a chance to correct you if you missed something, and it helps everyone slow down and think.

Let's see how effective summarization works in a real conversation:

• Jessica: Dan keeps sending things to clients without my review, and it makes us look unprofessional.
• Dan: Jessica takes too long to review. Clients are waiting for responses.
• Victoria: Let me make sure I understand. Jessica, you’re concerned about quality and following the process. Dan, you’re focused on being responsive to clients. Is that right?
• Jessica: Yes, and I want us to stick to our process.
• Victoria: So process consistency matters to you, Jessica. Dan, how long are the delays?
• Dan: Sometimes three or four days. But I get why she wants to review things—I just wish it was faster.

Notice how Victoria's summarization helps both parties hear each other's actual concerns rather than just the accusations. By reflecting back their positions in neutral language, she transforms "completely broken" and "takes forever" into specific issues that can be addressed constructively.

By asking fair questions, showing curiosity and empathy, and making sure everyone is understood, you can help people move from arguing to working together. Up next, you’ll get to practice these skills in real-life scenarios and see how much easier it is to solve problems when everyone feels heard.