How to Deal with a Passive-Aggressive Colleague

Welcome to the Course 📣

Welcome to Leading with Emotional Intelligence! Drawing on insights from the HBR Guide to Emotional Intelligence and the work of leading experts like Amy Gallo, this course will equip you with practical strategies to lead with empathy, self-awareness, and resilience—even in the face of difficult behaviors. In this lesson, you'll learn how to recognize passive-aggressive behavior, understand the underlying motivations, and respond in ways that protect your emotional well-being and maintain team productivity. You'll discover how to manage your own reactions, identify the root causes of challenging dynamics, and address issues constructively. These are skills that are essential for any emotionally intelligent leader.

Maintain Composure and Protect Yourself 🛡️

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Understand the Dynamics—Theirs and Yours ⚖️

Before addressing the behavior directly, take time to understand what might be motivating it. People act passive-aggressively for various reasons that often have little to do with you personally. They might be afraid of conflict, feel overlooked for recognition, be overwhelmed by workload stress, or simply lack the communication skills to express disagreement directly. Understanding these potential triggers helps you respond more effectively and with greater empathy.

Passive Aggressive Hidden Concerns

Try to look beyond the surface of passive-aggressive behavior and consider what message your colleague might be trying to communicate. Is there an underlying concern or disagreement that they don’t feel comfortable expressing openly? For example, they might think the current project approach isn’t working, or they may disagree with team goals but don’t feel safe sharing their perspective directly. By focusing on the possible business issue behind their behavior, rather than the way it’s delivered, you can move closer to resolving the real problem instead of just reacting to the symptoms.

It’s also important to reflect on your own role in the situation. Ask yourself if there’s anything you might be doing that contributes to the dynamic. Have you unintentionally made it difficult for others to speak up, or could your communication style be triggering defensive reactions? Sometimes, even well-intentioned leaders can send mixed signals or avoid uncomfortable topics, which can lead to misunderstandings or tension.

You don’t have to handle this situation on your own. Check in with trusted colleagues to get their perspective and see if they’ve noticed similar patterns. Approach these conversations thoughtfully, asking questions like, "How did you interpret Layan's comment in the meeting?" This helps you gather additional viewpoints without falling into gossip. By collecting input from others, you can better determine whether you’re dealing with an isolated incident or a recurring issue that needs to be addressed.

Address Issues Constructively and Build Accountability 🧱

Once you've managed your own emotions and understood the underlying dynamics, you can address the situation constructively. Here are some key steps to follow:

Focus on substance, not style: Pay attention to the actual concerns or ideas being raised, rather than how they are delivered.
Use non-blaming language: Avoid accusatory or judgmental words. Instead, describe what you observed and how it impacts the team or project.
Acknowledge valid points: If your colleague has made a good point, recognize it, even if it was delivered in a less-than-ideal way. For example, you might say, "You raised an important point in our last meeting. Here’s what I understood from your comments."
Invite collaboration: Frame the conversation as a joint effort to solve a problem, rather than a confrontation. This helps shift the dynamic from opposition to partnership.
Implement accountability strategies: Use clear documentation, meeting notes, and agreed-upon action items to ensure everyone is on the same page and responsible for their commitments.

By following these steps, you can help turn negative energy into productive dialogue and create a more positive, accountable team environment.

Here's how an effective conversation might unfold when addressing passive-aggressive behavior constructively:

Simone: Marcus, I wanted to talk about the client presentation timeline. In Tuesday's meeting, I heard you mention you'd handle the market analysis section by Friday. Is that still the plan?

Marcus: I never said I'd do the market analysis. That's not how I remember it at all.

Simone: I appreciate you clarifying that. Maybe I misunderstood. What I'm concerned about is making sure we deliver a great presentation. The market analysis is critical. What approach do you think would work best to get it done?

Marcus: Well, I think the whole timeline is unrealistic anyway. No one asked me if Friday was even possible.

Simone: That's a valid point about the timeline. You're right that we should have discussed feasibility. What timeline would work better for you, and how can we ensure the client still gets what they need?

Marcus: I could probably get it done by Monday if I had access to the latest research data.

Notice how Simone avoided accusing Marcus of being passive-aggressive, instead focusing on the business need and acknowledging his concerns. She stayed calm, validated his perspective about the timeline, and worked toward a solution rather than dwelling on the disagreement about what was previously said.

For ongoing issues, it can be helpful to establish team-wide accountability measures that promote structure and transparency. Encourage the team to agree on open communication and to address frustrations directly and respectfully. Keeping clear notes during meetings about who is responsible for what and by when helps create specific action items, making it difficult for anyone to later dispute what was agreed upon. These documented agreements provide a neutral reference point, reducing ambiguity and personal interpretation. When everyone operates with clear expectations, even those who are most likely to avoid accountability often respond positively to the group’s shared standards and peer pressure.

If a colleague continues to undermine you and others have noticed the same behavior, it may be necessary to escalate the issue. If you share a manager, bring specific examples and focus on how the behavior is affecting your work. For example, you might say, "Several of us have observed certain behaviors, and I’d like to discuss how this is impacting my ability to do my job." Approach this step thoughtfully, as your manager may not have witnessed the same behaviors or may be uncomfortable with conflict. Having a record of patterns and support from others shows that you have made efforts to resolve the situation professionally before seeking further intervention.

Ready to practice these skills? In the upcoming activities, you'll work through realistic scenarios to help you maintain composure, identify underlying dynamics, and address passive-aggressive behavior constructively in ways that preserve relationships while ensuring productivity.